I've tried to pinpoint the exact moment that OCD started to impact my life, but I can't. I know that this is an exercise in absolutes and black and white thinking that often accompanies OCD. I also know that it has caused issues in every single relationship in my life. I don't have much of a relationship with anyone. I don't return phone calls and I don't visit. Cat and I have talked about this, I really don't have a reason besides anxiety. My need to tell all my secrets has also caused issues in my life. My brother doesn't want me around his kids because he thinks I set a bad example for his teenagers. He has said that I have had to many relationships. Trust me, this isn't by choice. I have tried and failed to find love; I've found it I just haven't been able to sustain it.
After my husband died I never thought I would fall in love again. I met my ex-fiancé, but as much as I tried it wasn't the relationship I should have had in my life. It became habit. We were never partners. After we broke our engagement, he moved back to where he is from and met someone. They are married now. I had another relationship after that, he cheated on me while I was in the hospital having my gallbladder removed. He's now married to that girl. Then I met my guy.
I had just ended my prior relationship. I was really broken. I didn't give myself a chance to catch my breath, which tends to be a theme. I was so surprised by my break-up. I had a friend staying with me and we went out with my boyfriend one night. We all had been drinking. I went to the bathroom and my friend took it upon herself to interrogate him. She told him that I wanted to get married and have a child, but if he didn't want that he should end it with me. I had just brought him home to meet my family and we were looking for a place to move into together. The next thing I know, we are having a talk, and he is telling me that he can't give me what I want. We decided to be friends. He had been dating someone else already. I was devastated once again; embarrassed by the entire situation.
I immediately went back online and started dating again. I had decided that I was just going to date. I wasn't going to jump into anything this time. This time I was just going to have some fun. I went on dates and I started going to happy hour at a cute little place close to my house. I was putting myself out there. Then I met my guy. He was like no one else I have ever met before. He is intelligent, funny, and charming. I just wanted someone to go out and have fun with. On our first date we walked around in my little town and we sat on a bench. I really liked him and I was afraid of falling again and getting hurt so I said a bunch of insecure stuff about not wanting or needing anything exclusive. It was my sorry attempt to protect myself. If I built the wall from the beginning, then maybe I could save myself from being hurt again. But, for some reason, he came back. He asked me out again and again. We continued to see each other and eventually I moved into his house. Its been almost 7 years.
He and I have been through a lot over the years. My life prior to meeting him was starting to spiral and my OCD was getting worse. The therapy that I had been after the end of my engagement made me much worse. She told me that I could take medication and be weaker in a year or exercise and become stronger. So, I started to exercise, compulsively exercise. I was running 5 miles day and I have never been an athlete. If I didn't exercise I would feel sick. I became so much more insecure than I had ever been. When I really started to fall in love with my guy, my OCD became worse. The fear of losing him made me act insane. Every time something didn't go as I thought I would get panicky.
My job wasn't going well. My stress level was at it's peak and I started to get sick, as I always do, when my stress was too high. I was internally bleeding and my iron counts had gotten so low that I needed infusions, again. The bruising was all over my body like I had been beaten. I hadn't. It was just my body reacting poorly to the stress. Through it all my guy stood by my side. I wish I could have seen it then like I see it now. Instead, my OCD was scanning for any possible sign that he wasn't going to be loyal. I began to doubt him. It wasn't him. It was me. The years of loving someone only to have them leave had left me insecure. I began to test him, chipping away at the foundation of our relationship.
I would behave crazy. I know that's not the right way to say things, especially when you have mental illness...but that is how it would feel. These "crazy" illogical moments have caused a lot of issues in my relationship with my guy. I know that 99.9% of this is my OCD exasperating my insecurities. The therapy is improving this. My constant reminder that nothing is certain and leaning into the uncertainty; reminding myself "Maybe it will, maybe it won't". At the current moment, he is willing to see where things go as I continue to improve. He has told me that he has been doing some reading about OCD, which honestly surprised me. I appreciate his interest in understanding.
One thing that I have learned in all of this is that this is a journey for one. I have to walk this path on my own. I was feeling very insecure about this in the very beginning and wanting to share everything with him. But, I realize now that was a compulsion. So, I am doing it with the help of Cat, Blue and my psychiatrist. I am attending group sessions and I am doing my homework. I have a peace about all of this that I have never had before in my life. Only time will tell what will happen with me and my guy, but I know that no matter what happens, I am going to be ok.
-Alice
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