Confidence

I took a little break from sharing to get used to my new normal.  A week ago I had to have some blood work done and for the first time in my memory I engaged in the process.  Usually I would be sick from nervousness for days before.  I would avoid and postpone.  I would get to the blood draw place and start to panic.  When it came time for the blood draw I would disassociate stare at the corner of the room trying not to start hyperventilating.  With encouragement from both Blue and Cat I engaged.  I explained to the phlebotomist that I have an irrational fear of needles and how that is driven by my OCD.  She was wonderful.  She said "Let's talk! What do you want to talk about?" and we started talking.  She let me look at the needle and the vials.  And I watched!  I watched her prepare the needle and insert it into my arm.  I watched my blood flow into the vial and as she changed to each new one.  Finally, I watched her remove the needle from my arm and bandage me up.  I felt like I could conquer the world in that moment.  My confidence reached new heights.

I think that the most difficult part of living with OCD is how it erodes your self-confidence.  I am very insecure. The need for reassurance is a drug I long to seek. My anxiety is reducing to the point that I am much more aware of my stress levels and how I feel.  I've learned I cannot have caffeine anymore.  That wasn't fun.  My psychiatrist said that now that my medication is working, and I am coming out of my depression, that caffeine may have made me feel less depressed in the past but, now it is taking me from somewhere in the middle to over stimulated. Last week I made the epic mistake of drinking a coffee at 2pm and the fall out was intense.  I felt like I was on the edge of a panic attack.  I couldn't concentrate and I was irritable. When I came time to sleep it was impossible. 

Speaking of sleep, I can't. I am going to sleep around 9pm and I wake up several times throughout the night. I swing between needing a lot of sleep and sleeping long hours to not being able to sleep at all.  It's a pendulum that swings from one extreme to the other. I have to be more disciplined. More discipline is a consistent theme.  I am hoping that my increased dose of antidepressant will restore my motivation to engage in life.  I feel like everything is a little less gray, but I think that things could improve.  I am fairly low output these days; this is a new position for me. I have been able to multitask; I can't anymore.  I have been someone that could get a lot done in a day; it's no longer possible. 

Our oldest family dog started to slide about two weeks ago. I woke up earlier this week and found her collapsed on the floor.  I had to make the hard decision to take to the vet to be euthanized. She was limp, but alive, when I carried her to the car.  It started to rain as I drove her to the emergency vet.  I carried her in and they took her to the back to put in the IV.  I stayed with her as they gave her the medications to end her life. I cried.  The team at the vet assisting cried.  I am so sad to see this sweet girl leave us.  She was my pal and our family protector.  I still feel her presence around the house and more than once I have fooled myself thinking I saw her on the couch. The loss of our family dog triggered me.  It was not even something I noticed; but I have made so much progress and it has still snuck up on me.  I entered survivor mode. I became cold, exacting and focused. I have barely registered the loss of our family companion. I feel like static sits right in the middle of my chest.  Cat has given me a task to sit with the feelings and let them flow.  They won't come.  I cried a little yesterday for a few minutes.  Today, while writing this I cried again.  I feel stunted.

My psychiatrist reminded me yesterday that I have not been working on my recovery for that long.  It's only been a few weeks. I have made big strides in that time, but living with OCD is multifaceted and will take time to learn what it all means. I am gaining confidence in my new normal; but I still have a lot to learn.

-Alice