I value reality. It wasn't until I started treatment with NOCD.com that I realized how much my OCD impacts the way I receive information and my belief systems. I am a Christian and I was raised going to church since childhood. In times of crisis, I pray to God; I attend services. I enjoy the liturgy of my specific sect of Christianity. On more than one occasion, I have expirenced a crisis of faith and I always find my way back to the Church. Even before this journey into recovery I have questioned the "magical thinking" of organized religion. Faith is a choice and I actively choose it.
OCD affects everyone differently; if attending my support groups has taught me anything, it has taught me this. As different as everyone is, OCD is consistent in how it latches on to the most important somethings making it really hard to shake the insecurity, the circular thinking, and the uncertainty. It is truly enough to drive the strongest mind insane. I know this is why people with OCD are so vulnerable to unaliving themselves. And then, if it's not hard enough, the fear sets in that the thing you are doing to avoid the compulsion becomes a compulsion in and of itself. It's really hard.
In my life, prior to treatment, I have been a student of the laws of attraction. While OCD is ego-dystonic, meaning it goes against your values, the laws of attraction are ego-syntonic, meaning in harmony with one's ideal self-image. I have clung to the laws of attraction. I have had "vision boards", I have tried to rearrange my thoughts to avoid negative thinking, and I have tried, in vain, to manifest my ideal life. I have told more than one person that "I don't believe in coincidences and that everything happens for a reason." I had no idea how much my OCD impacted this magical thinking. In an attempt to have certainty in an uncertain world I have convinced myself that superstition and fantasy were true and real. This is a harsh reality for me.
Throughout my life I have been able to live in total denial ignoring what is right in front of me. It's a coping mechanism to silence my OCD mind. That last conversation that I had with my late husband included a death pact; if he did die, I would move on with my life. The caveat to my promise was his promise to find the man he wanted me to be with and make it obvious to me, from beyond the grave. I believed this like it was possible. This pact is what made my relationship with my ex-fiancé move so fast and last longer than it should have. Looking back on it now, that whole situation was a mistake. The reality is, even though it wasn't a conscious choice, I was in deep grief and I entered into that relationship to distract myself from the pain I was feeling. Within the promise to move on was the implied understanding that I would give myself time to heal; I skipped over that. The night I met my ex-fiancé I had put the wrong time in my calendar and showed up an hour before the restaurant opened. I had been drinking a lot and I put the put the wrong time in my calendar, it wasn't some divine intervention. I showed up to the restaurant and he greeted me to let me know that I was a hour early; the moment I laid eyes on him, I got a chill throughout my body. I was vulnerable to any sign that I could latch on to for permission that I could abandon the grief and move to the next step. I attended that work event at the place he waited tables and even that became part of my magical thinking that this was fate orchestrated by the universe. Over the next 5 years, anyone that asked about our origin story I would tell about the pact, the chills, and the universe bringing us together. He would stand by quietly not wanting to hurt my feelings or burst my bubble. Towards the end of our relationship, I remember someone asking the "how did you meet" question and I started the story, but this time he interrupted me and said he hadn't felt anything like that. The magic was one sided.
Stepping on a crack will not break your momma's back. Feeling a draft and getting goosebumps is not the reason to have a rebound relationship 20 days after your husband died. The "universe" is not the reason I attended that work event. It's hard to let go of this kind of reassurance. OCD looks for reassurance to calm the anxiety. The magical thinking is always a compulsion. Living with uncertainty and staying present is the only way to counter this.
I think that a lot of these beliefs are lovely and sentimental. In the average person this type of thinking is not necessarily dangerous, but with OCD and the need for constant reassurance is a very slippery slope. I try not to think about the "what-ifs". My life might have been very different if I had allowed myself a chance to grieve. I have always wanted to have a child. I met my husband when I was 30. I was a widow at 35. I wasted 5 years of my life in the wrong relationship because of magical thinking. That decade made the difference in my ability to have a family or not. I regret nothing about meeting and marrying my husband. I would repeat that same choice over and over again, but the rebound relationship because of the magical inference of goosebumps; I regret that. Now 13 years later, I am finally dealing with this unresolved grief. Finally.
There are a lot of life lessons in becoming a young widow: Hold your loved ones tight. Let go of the little annoyances. Live your life to the fullest. But, the most important lesson is that you can't run from grief; it will always find you. I have been using magical thinking to avoid dealing with one of the most devastating experiences of my life. I used magical thinking to give myself permission to do things that I knew in my logical mind were a bad idea. It's a cautionary tale old as time. It's scary to let go of magical thinking. It feels like standing naked on a stage or being on the trapeze without a net. I have to sit with this, on the hill, and get used to this feeling. Getting better means letting go of the compulsions and for me, letting go of magical thinking is paramount to living authentically.
-Alice
Comments
Post a Comment