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Confidence

I took a little break from sharing to get used to my new normal.  A week ago I had to have some blood work done and for the first time in my memory I engaged in the process.  Usually I would be sick from nervousness for days before.  I would avoid and postpone.  I would get to the blood draw place and start to panic.  When it came time for the blood draw I would disassociate stare at the corner of the room trying not to start hyperventilating.  With encouragement from both Blue and Cat I engaged.  I explained to the phlebotomist that I have an irrational fear of needles and how that is driven by my OCD.  She was wonderful.  She said "Let's talk! What do you want to talk about?" and we started talking.  She let me look at the needle and the vials.  And I watched!  I watched her prepare the needle and insert it into my arm.  I watched my blood flow into the vial and as she changed to each new one.  Finally, I watched her remove the needle from my arm and bandage me up.  I f
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Painting the Roses Red...

I have wasted decades of my life playing a game with myself to hide from my OCD; always trying to fool myself into being ok.  I am an expert at painting the roses red to control my anxiety.  I have been living an inauthentic life, Cat told me in one of our sessions.  And I was like, inauthentic life? What are you talking about?  I am one of the most authentic people you will meet.  But, uh-uh-uh... not so fast.  Cat is right.  I haven't been living an authentic life.  I have been following the eat me, drink me tags to be bigger and smaller to be anything I needed to be to fit into the life that someone else had built.  I may have been committed, but I was not authentic to myself. And this is the ongoing issue.  Gordon A. Eadie said, "If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything." and I have literally fallen for everything.

Living with OCD is like having an abusive boyfriend inside your mind brow beating and berating you for every move you make. This is why I have named my OCD "Todd".  If you have ever seen the movie Christmas Vacation there is a scene where a female character named Margo, played by Julia Louis Dreyfuss, is cleaning up her bedroom with her husband Todd.  Todd snaps at Margo and asks "Why is the carpet all wet Margo?" and Margo responds equally snappy, "I don't know Todd". And this is the conflict that happens in my head constantly.  I have anxiety or worry about a situation and "Todd" is asking me for constant reassurance and certainty and I simply don't know.  

This is what OCD is.  Like I said in my last post, OCD is not an adjective to describe a person that likes organized spaces.  OCD is constant worry and seeking absolutes and reassurance that the devil in your mind is wrong; the bad thing isn't going to happen.  That reassurance is like a drug.  I jones for it.  I compulsively seek reassurance in everything from anyone who will stand still long enough to give me their opinion... and then if the opinion isn't the reassurance I was seeking I villainize the person, in my mind, for contradicting me. 

But let me offer this one caveat.  My experiences with OCD are both uniquely mine and they still resonate with others who have OCD.  Just as my brothers and sisters out there with OCD experience their struggle unique to each of them and I still resonate with them. 

I have been painting the roses red for so long that I don't even recognize I am doing it anymore...

-Alice

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Location: Florida, USA

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